I'm writing this, for one, because I haven't written in so very long, and two, because I'm hoping that putting my thoughts to metaphorical paper will help me find some clarity in things. Everything has been rather confusing lately. I feel like I've spent most of my Dear Diary posts this year talking about how I have no clue what I want to do with my life, but I actually have to pick a college within a matter of days now. The decision now lies between art school and staying in my home town to get started on a doctorate.

     I honestly would be pretty fine going with either route, I just don't have a clue what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. Some of my friends seem to have it so figured out, and I'm rather envious of them. Some days I want to be a writer, and some days I don't want to go to college at all, and some days I'm like, "YES, I LOVE MATH; I WANT TO PURSUE LOTS OF SCHOOL," but then there are my friends who say, "I want to be a teacher," and that's that for them. I wish I had one clear idea like that, or maybe some actual drive or passion to do something. Sometimes I think it's a good idea to stay home for a year and try really writing or really working on art, but giving myself that kind of freedom feels so frightening. The potential to produce absolutely nothing with my time and the idea of failure both seem so much more prevalent. GOD, I wish I knew what I was doing. Sometimes it seems so obvious to me. It's either "go to art school, it'll be so much fun" or "become a psychologist, art's impractical," but neither of them ever stick. The good news is that writing about this makes all of my other problems seem so insignificant. Like the fact that everyone thinks I'm "leading on" one of my friends? Or that I'm falling behind on so many assignments? None of it seems to matter when compared to the looming, gloomy future.
       In other news, I think I need a snake. Nope. Stress always causes me to act on impulses, but I think I can surpass this urge. I hate taking care of pets, and I doubt I'll be anywhere near a purchasable snake anytime soon. I really should just find some other irrational things to do instead. Like try shrooms. Or make out with my best friend. .... The logical part of my brain is starting to kick in and is wondering why I thought these were safer options than buying a teeny tiny PetCo snake...
      I need some all-knowing elder in my life.. or any voice of reason really. Maybe everything will come to me in a dream. Speaking of which, I started taking sleeping pills this week, and while they've definitely been helping me sleep better, they've also had quite an impact on my dreams. Usually I have quite abstract dreams about people I never really talk to and things that don't make a lot of sense, but lately, my dreams have been startlingly realistic. I'm having trouble discerning the difference between moments that actually happen and moments I've dreamt about.
      I don't have much else to talk about. Tomorrow's Friday. That's always good news. I need to get back into posting more often, and since summer will be here soon, I'll actually have the time to get back into it too. The point is: I really do need you to start leaving me some ideas for future posts. It's either that or you'll have to keep on listening to me meander on about my boring and repetitive life.

      If you have the answers, please leave them down below.


  1. You are what you are and you encompass all things. Your life impacts me as mine impacts yours and so on and so forth. You are the future, you are the past, and you are history. You are the earth, and you are a being, serve peace and you will have peace. My words seem foolish, and they may be, but your life is yours and not society's. I do this. I clear my head. And think one thought, one word that makes me happy that I want to define myself as. So I find the word Zen. I write it down. I do this for more words, maybe just one a day or one a month or however. Then I may find another word, plant, hike,prana,sanctuary. And as I go, I continue in this way. I define myself. I push out those that don't serve me. Viola I have a life and it is my own. Prayers. Many times of crisis. It is the process of finding after drifting too far too far. Thank you(glad you sent care package for me,some time ago)


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