Whether you're already at the top of the ladder or just trying to make your way up the ranks of the social tiers, here's a foolproof list of rules that the coolest of cool kids live by. Follow these steps and within no time, people will be lining up outside your door in hopes to score an opportunity to tag along with your posse to the mall. Better screenshot this list a.s.a.p. because it's sure to come in handy. With biblical accuracy and numerous trial runs to back this info, you'll be set in no time.

1. Do not acknowledge anyone when walking in the school hallways. Focus your thoughts on your gleaming future - one so bright that you are almost always squinting... but in a sexy & mysterious way. Obviously.
2. Only update your Facebook with the same pictures you post to Instagram. It's important that both groups of users see how social your life is, but bothering with status updates is a definite no.
3. Never wear the same outfit twice.
4. Give all of your weird friends even weirder nicknames, for example: Bug, Daddy, or lil' Bun. For all of your other friends, refer to them by short and awkward abbreviations of their first or last name. This displays dominance while also implying affection.
5. Don't check your Twitter feed any more than 3 times while having a conversation with someone. This can come off as rude.
6. Never admit to how much time you spent getting this gorgeous. Some good taglines are: "Oh, I barely even brushed my hair this morning!" or "This outfit?! Oh, I just threw on whatever I could find!"
7. Black nail polish proves you're edgy but still capable of grooming yourself. It's a definite must.
8. Make sure there's something quirky about your handwriting. Whether your "I"s are all lowercase or you end all of your sentences with a teeny heart instead of a period, it's important that every element of your life is signature to you.
9. Photo-document any outings you take with your pretty friends.
10. Most importantly, be yourself.

On the days when you're just not feeling it: Make sure to tweet about wearing sweatpants to school before you get there so that your friends will know that you acknowledge how grubby you look and they won't have to point it out themselves.

For extra posh points: Kiss everyone on both cheeks as a greeting. The gentle mark of saliva and lipgloss you leave on their cheeks will leave them feeling both mystified and ensnared by your presence.

However, as you may or may not know, this is The Loser's Guide to Life and not The Cool Kid's Guide to Life, so be careful what you do with this information. Common side effects include: being perpetually hated by your peers, uncertainty with life, and disillusioned feelings of grandeur. The best thing to remember if you're struggling with your place in high school is that it'll be over soon enough. 4 years will go by mighty quick, so don't worry too much about what anyone thinks. 


  1. The title should have been How to be an Asshole lol this is a good laugh!


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